Flirting or Just Friendly?

Here’s the question: someone approaches you, but are they flirting or just being polite? Nonverbal communication—especially facial expressions—plays a crucial role in how we interpret someone’s romantic intentions.

A study by Emily S. Bibby, Allison M. McKinnon, Michael Shaw, and Richard E. Mattson, titled “Accurately Detecting Happy Facial Expressions Associates with Perceptions of Flirtatiousness,” found that our ability to correctly read happy expressions directly affects whether we perceive someone as flirting. The findings are clear:

People tend to make two common mistakes:

1. Seeing flirtation where there is none
Some people misread neutral, angry, or surprised expressions as a smile, interpreting them as positive—and possibly romantic. These individuals tend to overestimate others’ flirtatious intentions, thinking someone is flirting when they’re not. This doesn’t mean they’re naive or overly imaginative; rather, their perception reflects a desire for social acceptance. They see flirtation because they subconsciously hope it’s there, interpreting social cues through an “optimistic lens,” even at the risk of misreading the situation.

2. Missing flirtation when it actually exists
On the other hand, some people fail to recognize flirtation even when it’s happening. A warm smile or playful glance might go unnoticed, causing them to miss opportunities to connect. This tendency often stems from caution or fear of rejection. Their thought process is defensive: “If I’m not sure they’re flirting, I’ll assume they’re not.” While this approach protects them from potential embarrassment, it also means genuine signals of interest can go unrecognized.

Misinterpretation is universal

The study highlights a very human truth: our perception of flirting isn’t objective. It depends on our ability to read joy in another’s face, as well as our own insecurities, hopes, and biases. Some people see flirtation everywhere; others barely see it at all. The key may lie in recognizing our own tendencies: do we crave attention so much that we see smiles that aren’t there? Or does fear of rejection make us ignore genuine signals before even processing them?

The answer isn’t always in the other person’s eyes—it’s often in how we choose to interpret what we see.

How to “Read” Someone Correctly

The study also notes that slow reactions and misreading emotions contribute to errors. So how can we better gauge someone’s intentions?

• Check your assumptions: Don’t rely solely on a smile or glance; these can be misread.
• Be aware of your own biases: Difficulty recognizing emotions can distort your judgment.
• Communicate: Engaging in conversation and observing overall behavior is more reliable than focusing only on facial expressions.
• Look for signals: Pay attention to subtle cues as interactions progress toward flirtation—they often reveal more than a single smile.

The question, “Is this person flirting with me or not?” is more complicated than it seems. According to research, misreading someone’s intentions is very likely if we struggle to recognize emotional expressions like joy—or if the signals are misleading. Science suggests we stay mindful, consider context, and not rely solely on facial expressions, but also on the broader communication the other person is giving us.